Out of my depth
On every breath
Out of my depth
On every breath
I relinquish all my rights
To the cross on which we died
Together you and I
Passing through to taste new life
For the freedom which I’ve found
Found in you it knows no bounds
Though in love there’s suffering
We will fly
Gently gently pressing me down
Refining out the dross
Honey drip through to rivers of gold
Wine from a red grape press
I love my mum.
It’s true to say that the older I get, the more I appreciate her.
Well, that reason and the testimony of Jesus. It is Him after all that brought me back to family this year, He is the one who told me He wanted to restore my family and to teach me to love.
And I’m so grateful.
More and more I see how I need my mum in my life. How there’s a part she plays that no one else can play, a way in which she cares and understands that no one else can. She has a patience for me that no one else does, a wisdom for my emotions that can’t be found in any text book study.
She may not have been my hero growing up – I was certainly a ‘daddy’s girl’ for many years – but as I grow into a woman much like her, I begin to see the depth and wealth of her value. Her flaws begin to pale in light of my own and her perseverance through the heartbreaks and agonies of life are inspiring.
Even if they were messy at the time.
The way she loves and cares, encourages and feeds me up are just a beautiful reflection of the grace and compassion of the Father. Sure, she doesn’t get it right all the time and I somehow think there will always be a struggle between the two extremes that are my mum and dad! But I am so grateful for her and wouldn’t change her for the world.
Here’s to mums.
I used to struggle with an eating disorder. Borderline bulimia I suppose you would define it, though I wouldn’t have said that at the time. I suppose I never really acknowledged I had a problem with my eating until my digestive system started freezing up and I began excessive research into what the problem might be and how I could solve it.
Over time I began to take control. I decided what I would and wouldn’t eat, doing what I could to help my body but at the same time still having a lot of the same underlying mental issues. Food was a comfort. Food was a curse. If I could somehow manage it so that I wouldn’t put on weight, I could still over eat when I was stressed and it would be ok.
So I made up the rules and I stuck rigidly by them. But the issue was never resolved. Frequent trips to the doctor have proven that.
My body was telling me I hadn’t found the answer even if my mind had.
In recent months I have heard the Lord asking me to give up some of the things I have clung to with regards to my diet. It has been a painful process and honestly, with, all that is within me I have been fighting against Him. But the struggle, much like it did with Jacob, only crippled me as I tried to carry on.
It is in this that I give glory to Him. In His kindness He has been drawing me into a place of trust and freedom.
He really does love me.
You see, I was holding on so tightly to food as my source of comfort, even though the control and fear were slowly destroying my body…
And God knew.
And He loved me.
Everything He asks of me is for good. Everything He does is because of love. We so often don’t understand it at the time because we can be so steeped in fear, in pain, in control… in pride.
He wants us to be free. Not to carry on headstrong in our own weakness, but free to let go, free to fly.
He knows who He made us to be. He knows the beauty and the greatness and the love set before us – in His love He is determined to take us there.