Pink

I went for a run today.

Well, jog.

Interlaced with copious amounts of walking…

Not that I could boast if it had been a full on run, or even marathon for that matter. It’s only by the grace of God that I’m out there at all.

So let me boast in that.

I used to have asthma as a kid. It got so bad at one point that I had to go on steroids. Six little pink steroids, twice a day for two weeks. Even aside from that, asthma became an excuse to get out of those hideous PE lessons that we all had to endure in our teenage years, when our bodies are all a bit funny looking and our self-esteem plummets with the slightest look of judgment. So I never built up much strength or stamina.

And then my self-esteem really was rock bottom for quite a considerable amount of time.

I would look in the mirror and hate myself. I would find every flaw, every little detail that didn’t measure up to the magazine images that we so perfectly flawless and I would consider that something had gone terribly wrong. Everyone was more beautiful than me. And internally I was even worse.

The Bible became my mirror, showing up every place I fell short and so justifying my self-hatred. I lost my words, utterly unable to speak to people I didn’t know and hardly able to express myself with those I loved. I had nothing to give. There had to be something wrong with me, but no one would tell me what it was.

Depression set in, and with it, some extremely unhealthy eating habits. Looking back now I would say I was borderline bulimic, although I never would have admitted it to myself then. And the thought of exercise was an absolute joke. Do you know how ridiculous I look when I work out? How pink my face goes? And my legs? How clumsy and unattractive I am, how pathetic my attempts? No chance.

I would try to brainwash myself into being better – indulging myself in images of ‘perfect’ people to convince myself to diet, to tone up, to change. It didn’t work.

So what happened? Here I am, sat with my post-run cup of tea and ready to crack on with my day.

That’s not normal.

~

‘You are beautiful my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil… You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride… You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain. Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices – henna with nard, nard and saffron, fragrant calamus and cinnamon, with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes, and every other lovely spice. You are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from Lebanon’s mountains.’ Song of Songs 4:1, 9-10 & 12-15

~

I met with the Lover of my soul.

I began to believe that it really was just by faith that we are saved. That it is by faith that we are made righteous and that because we are born into new life through Him, we become His masterpiece, His beloved children.

I began to love Him, by faith, and desire to give everything I had to find Him and love Him more. I began to tune in to His voice in place of other voices and let Him redefine my thoughts, my emotions, my heart.

I heard Him tell me I was beautiful and I began to believe it. I heard Him tell me I was His temple, His precious instrument and that He cared for me. And I heard Him tell me that by His love, I was made perfect.

Yes that’s right, perfect.

~

‘For by that one offering, He forever made perfect those who are being made holy.’ Hebrews 10:14

~

I cannot tell you how much joy that fills me with. To think that God, perfect love Himself, writer of all the things in the Bible that I used to torture myself with, considers me perfect simply because I believe in the perfect One and have chosen to be with Him. That’s an incredible thing.

I am His baby, His beloved one.

Slowly but surely, this love has been working inside of me and changing me from the inside out. The heavy weight of depression has been lifted and the beauty and joy of life has been restored. I have learned to see myself more in line with how God sees me and start to live out of that rather than out of the lies and accusation.

It is a continual process of being made like Him but His love has been my delight, giving me peace and freedom like I have never known before. I have been released to be the person I was made to be – the one that was made in His image – to shine with His light and His love.

Oh and the asthma? Yea He healed that too.

So I bought myself some running shoes. Very, very pink running shoes. And then a dear friend of mine, who had no idea what I had done told me that he felt God was saying that I am a runner – and that He’s highlighting it in bright pink!

Because it doesn’t matter what people think of me. Or even what my own false thoughts persist on telling me… I am His beloved one.

And learning to walk in that, now I can start to run.